"Honestly, Officer, the tree just jumped out all of a sudden and grabbed my willy!"
They call it
Dendrophilia: arousal from a tree or fertility worship of them. According to offical statistics, 1% of the world's population are dendrophiliacs, which means that somewhere out there, someone is violating a poor, hapless poplar or spruce tree.
I call it...well, in all honesty, words escape me. Although I can say that the knowledge of someone getting turned on and going, "Oh yeah, you keep growing, you sexy little sapling! Grow until you've got huge branches like the mighty oak, and then you're old enough for me to take you!" is rather vexing. Much vexing is being had right now. It's reasons like this that I believe humanity is ultimately doomed.
Today's Lesson: just because it has holes doesn't mean you should put certain (or any) body parts into it.
posted by Phillip at 5:00 PM
